I love imperfection. 

Human fallibility makes people richer, more complex and more interesting. I love observing, celebrating, and loving other humans in all their quirkiness, difference, and diversity. 

But when it comes to embracing my own differences, I sometimes still have a bit of difficulty. I’m getting better at it, but it’s still a work in progress. Every now and then, I’ll see something (often on social media) that triggers my “you’re-not-good-enough” reflex. Thankfully, I am much better these days at seeing these triggers, and flipping a rather emphatic middle finger. 

What made the difference? Dabrowski.

One particular type of social media post which really gets up my nose is the “self care” posts. Perfect pics of people meditating, pontifications espousing the virtues of self love, and saccharine gratitude posts. All the things which seem to be a form of humble-brag, whether the poster intends them to be or not – “Look at me looking after myself. Isn’t it great? Maybe you should try it, and you wouldn’t feel so lousy…”.

Recently I’ve been questioning how beneficial this form of “self care on display” can be for a human trying to get in touch with their authenticity. How are authentic are the posts themselves? I mean, can you really be meditating deeply, if you’re taking a selfie while you do it? Are the sage like snippets of advice parroted from a therapist or book? Is a focus on gratitude a way of subduing feelings of dissatisfaction with oneself and positive maladjustment?

More to the point, when viewing these things through a Dabrowskian lens, some of what I see seems to be highly counter productive to any real form of personality development. If it is not embracing disintegration, and merely trying to suppress or forestall it (at the same time falling in with trends – aka socialisation) then it may be a complete waste of time.

Dabrowski wrote a book called Existential Thoughts and Aphorisms in 1972 under his pen name Paul Cienin. One quote which stands out to me is:

Don’t seek mental health! Seek development and you will find both!

Seeing the value in development through positive disintegration has helped me be less perturbed by the self care routines of others. Not only because I am starting to see them as something I shouldn’t feel the need to compete with (since they are not in always in pursuit of authenticity), but Dabrowski’s non-pathologising way of thinking has helped me embrace my own routines as valuable. Rather that it being a case of “I’m not good enough” I’m starting to think I’m actually doing self care the right way when it comes to developing authenticity.

Recently I’ve picked up a phrase in Dabrowski’s work – “Hard won”. In particular this is something that Dabrowski says when it comes to developing empathy. In Multilevelness of emotional and instinctive functions he says:

Growth of empathy is one of the most powerful developmental dynamics, and one which most clearly shows the progressive and hard won change from narrow egocentrism to an all encompassing universal love.

Reading Dabrowski’s thoughts on empathy has also got me thinking of what real self love looks like. Because if, at the higher levels, one should be moving away from “narrow egocentrism” then the “look at me in all my beautiful Insta-glory” approach seems counter productive to this too. Is it really in service of others to post filtered, picture perfect images? Is that really an act of love? Or is it simply egocentric? Dabrowski goes on to say:

Empathy grows out of the strong emotions of search for the meaning of life and finding it in concern and service to others, and out of the need for self-perfection as a human being. Self-perfection is not possible in a vacuum but grows out of a sense of relatedness with others measured in terms of an “ideal other” embodied in one’s personality ideal. It grows out of conflicts with oneself which produce an increase in caring and appreciation of others, and a deeper humility within oneself. 

This quote seems to contain points which are counter to the current social media narrative. Firstly, there is the idea that true empathy comes from service to others, not in service to oneself. Second, that self-perfection grows from conflicts with oneself (dissatisfaction with yourself) and an increase in appreciation for others. And finally, that there should be a deep sense of humility in all of this.

If I needed any more encouragement, Dabrowski gives me one more pointer. Again, from Existential Thoughts and Aphorisms:

People give positive opinions about being able to adjust easily and they speak well about a “high” threshold of resistance to frustration. It is as if they praised those who are insensitive, those who in a “well-balanced” way accept joys and sufferings (mainly the latter), and who easily “cope well with them.” How bad and one-sided is such an understanding of “adjustment” and inner psychic transformation! 

In other words, those who are coping well with frustrations and suffering are doing it wrong. The more “well-balanced” you are, the less likely you are to transform!

What then is the purpose of a self care routine? Does it even have a place in the grand scheme of psychic transformation?

To me it does, but it looks nothing like what you see on social media. We are, after all, humans. Biological organisms, running around this magnificent planet in our little bipedal meat-sacks. And we know what affects the mind, also affects the body. Stress affects our physical being, and Dabrowski recognises this when he talks about unilevel disintegration being largely somatic (i.e. taking place within the body).

Self care, if only done in times of stability, is either inhibiting disintegration, or simply pampering. But done after a moment of stress, self care has great benefits in recharging your meat-sack. It gives the mind space to process everything it has been through, and gives your body a well-earned rest from any potential stresses your mind has passed on to it. To me, caring for yourself is what is done after a moment of crisis, in an attempt to deal with the mental and physical mess which has been left in the ugly wake of transformation and growth. 

The turmoil of disintegration is necessary to develop, and real growth relies on stress. Autopsychotherapy, which is Dabrowski’s mechanism of self-perfection, is meant to be done at the time when the inner turmoil is happening. So any gains you make (by attempting to perfect your self mid-crisis, while the storm is in full swing) are very much hard won. After a bout of growth, you can often feel completely battered and worn.

My self care is done to rejuvenate after the stress and fatigue of disintegration, and the hard won transformative experience from autopsychotherapy. It is an act of healing after breaking down and reshaping. A task done when I am tired and worn out, and newly shifted, still grappling with whatever expansion I’ve just undergone. Arguably it is done when I’m like a newly moulted crab – soft and vulnerable on the back of so much change.

If I have been digging in my mental dirt, and trying to wash away the aftermath of that, what I expect to see is mud. Dregs. Ugliness. My emotional bathwater is always dirty after cleansing away the stress and woes. Directly after, I am dripping wet and wrapped in a towel, cleansed, but still emotionally naked. 

What then does my self care actually look like? Is it worthy of Instagram? No. It involves some of the same activities you see online – meditation, relaxation, gentle movement, journaling about what I’ve learned, a nice hot shower or soak in a bath, focussing on gratitude and positivity, or spending some time in the sunshine – but it is not pretty. I’m normally drenched in tears. Weak. Unsure of where I am in the world. Tired. Dazed. Sometimes shaking with exhaustion. Utterly spent. I’m alone and quiet, and I do not share these moments with anyone. And I’m certainly in no state to stop and snap a selfie.

If I were to share myself, it would only be as I am now – telling people about what I go through so that they can see just how ugly it is, and that they are not alone in their turmoil. An act of service to others, to share (what I am embarrassed about) for the greater good, and to help others with their own journey. To warn others that the path towards their authentic self is hard won, but totally worth the stress. To admit that I am human and exhausted, and that my meat-sack is fallible and in need of a recharge. To tell people there are times that I am weak, battered, vulnerable and unsteady on my emotional feet. To share my hectic adventures which have occurred down the river of my own tears, and show the world just how Insta-imperfect I really am.

And do you know what? The next time I see some filtered, unilevel, picture-perfect, social media influencer, fighting off their own disintegrative process, it’s not going to bother me in the slightest. What society sees as “perfect” is not anything I’m interested in, and I’m proud of my tear-soaked ugliness and vulnerability. Seeing things through Dabrowski’s point of view, I’m loving my imperfection.