If you’ve been telling the story of the Ugly Duckling to your kids, you’ve probably been doing it wrong.

The Ugly Duckling holds an incredible secret. It is a gift for the gifted and neurodivergent, and tells a story of positive disintegration. But most of us miss the powerful story of personality development, and don’t see that it is not just some coming-of-age, or aesthetic beauty tale.

The original version is one of the most under-appreciated fairytales of our time. Many people use it simply to make children feel better about their appearances, but in truth it is more appropriate for children who are gifted, overexcitable, and neurodivergent.

Just like the swan sees a reflection in the water, we are seeing this story backwards. 

At the heart of the tale, it is not about outer transformation, but about inner transformation. What the Ugly Duckling goes through is akin to a dark night of the soul, and a disintegration, and what he discovers at the end of the tale is his authentic self. Where he finds reflection and mirroring is not in the water, but in his peers.

This story spoke to me when I went through my discovery of having OE. I found my identity reflected in the theory of positive disintegration. In that moment, all my differences made sense to me, and for some reason I was so forcefully reminded of this tale. When I went and read it in its original form, I understood exactly why my soul was yelling so loudly about it.

Come with me now, as I unravel the mystery of the most beautiful bird to ever grace a story book… But before you do, you might want to go off and read the story in it’s original version, because I’m not going to re-tell the entire thing here… Trust me, it’s not that long to read, and it’s totally worth it. Go on – I’ll still be here when you get back…

The Gifted Duckling

You read it? You ready? Good!

Our story starts with a child that is born different to his peers. He is noticeably different, and it is something his mother recognises almost immediately.

The duck took a look at him. “That’s a frightfully big duckling,” she said. “He doesn’t look the least like the others…”

For me this is similar to being neurodivergent or gifted – people notice when you’re a kid. But his mother decides that he is functioning just like a regular duck, and ‘achieving’ when it comes to swimming, so it really shouldn’t matter if he is different.

“See how nicely he uses his legs, and how straight he holds himself….” 

This might be a similar experience to gifted kids going through school and achieving, even though it’s clear they struggle in some other respects.

However, the animals on the farm don’t take kindly to him. Not because of anything he does. He does his best to fit in (or mask himself). But they can’t help but notice he is different, and they find him strange. Because he is different, they do not like him. Remember, he has done nothing at all to the other animals, and his only crime is to be different. For some reason, this makes the other animals think they have a right to be cruel to him, and he is bullied.

“…he’s too big and strange, and therefore he needs a good whacking.”

Well, that should sure ring some bells with all you gifted people out there. Ever taken a verbal or physical whacking from someone at school, just for being different? I know, right? 

His mother tries to defend him, and points out that even though he has differences, some of those differences are actually strengths.

“He isn’t so handsome, but he’s as good as can be, and he swims just as well as the rest, or, I should say, even a little better than they do…”

Neurodivergent children take note – some of your differences are strengths! Although he does nothing to retaliate, the bullying continues, and he even has difficulties within his own family. 

So it went on the first day, and after that things went from bad to worse. The poor duckling was chased and buffeted about by everyone. Even his own brothers and sisters abused him. “Oh,” they would always say, “how we wish the cat would catch you, you ugly thing.” 

The Disintegrating Duck

Eventually the poor kid runs away, and has difficulty finding a place to fit in, even in the wider world. He doesn’t fit in with the wild ducks, and doesn’t really fit in with the wild geeks, I mean geese, either. While he’s talking to the geese, a hunter comes, and he hides under his wing and remains still. The hunting dog ignores him, and his life is spared.

He doesn’t understand that being a cygnet, he has a gift of camouflage that the other birds don’t possess. Because he doesn’t understand his gifts, he repeats the messages that were taught to him his whole childhood. He attributes his survival to his difference, but still sees his difference in terms of something negative – even though it gave him a clear advantage, he cannot acknowledge that it is a strength.

“Thank heavens,” he sighed, “I’m so ugly that the dog won’t even bother to bite me.”

He eventually finds refuge in a farmhouse, with a woman, a cat, and a hen. They think he is strange, just as everybody else had up to this point. The hen and the cat keep trying to put him to work, and figure out what he can do. Could he purr like the cat? Could he lay eggs like the hen? 

They try and push him into skillsets he doesn’t possess, and hold him to expectations of productivity and success that they hold. Because he can’t be successful in the same way they can, he is judged unfairly. I am sure that many of you might have felt the same way in your day jobs. What other people call “success” might not be the same to you. Maybe you struggle in a standard work environment, because it’s not built with you in mind.

One day, our little guy expresses a desire to swim, which he is very good at. But because in the farmhouse, swimming isn’t seen as productive, it is dismissed.

“What on earth has come over you?” the hen cried. “You haven’t a thing to do, and that’s why you get such silly notions. Lay us an egg, or learn to purr, and you’ll get over it.”

Wow – there it is… ‘why can’t you just be normal and get over it?’. They just don’t understand him and his differences at all, and furthermore they can’t see the value in bothering to get to know him any more than they have.

“You don’t understand me,” said the duckling.

“Well, if we don’t, who would?…”

He eventually leaves, feeling so out of place. Being out on his own he goes through great suffering as the winter rolls in, and he nearly dies. Luckily a farmer finds him frozen in the ice, and rescues him. But since this little guy had never experienced anything but bullying and people treating him like a freak, he expects this behaviour to continue – he doesn’t expect to be appreciated anywhere, because no one had ever appreciated or loved him before. He is now carrying around the trauma of being different.

There the duckling revived, but when the children wished to play with him he thought they meant to hurt him. Terrified, he fluttered into the milk pail, splashing the whole room with milk. 

Gifted trauma is totally a thing. He runs away again, and tries to find a life where he can be happy, but he just can’t. Things become bleak and dark.

But it would be too sad to tell of all the hardships and wretchedness he had to endure during this cruel winter. 

Even though springtime comes back for the world, it doesn’t come back for him. He’s suffered so very much, he decides he can’t take it anymore. He sees a group of beautiful swans, and assumes that they too will find him different and ugly, and will want to kill him. But he decides it will be better than the cruelty he has gone through.

“I shall fly near these royal birds, and they will peck me to bits because I, who am so very ugly, dare to go near them. But I don’t care. Better be killed by them than to be nipped by the ducks, pecked by the hens, kicked about by the hen-yard girl, or suffer such misery in winter.”

Our poor little guy has given up, and has resigned himself to the worst possible fate. He has officially hit rock bottom. His world has fallen apart in a monumental dark night of the soul.

“Kill me!” said the poor creature, and he bowed his head down over the water to wait for death.

The Authentic Swan Reborn

I know right? You forgot this story was so tragic! But fear not, because we know it has a happy ending. 

He’s right in the middle of his inner turmoil. Lost within himself, devoid of hope. Looking down in the water, he finally gets the one piece of information that he needs. The one thing which triggers his understanding, and changes how he sees himself forever – he finally sees who he really is in the water.

But what did he see there, mirrored in the clear stream? He beheld his own image, and it was no longer the reflection of a clumsy, dirty, gray bird, ugly and offensive. He himself was a swan! 

Finally! The understanding of why he is different! It’s like the revelation of reading the theory of positive disintegration! He makes sense to himself! The swans welcome him to the flock with love and kindness, and it is not so much his reflection in the water which provides the true mirroring, but finding a place among the swans and being mirrored among them.

It’s the same effect that happens when we share stories on the podcast, or I write one of those awkward blogs where I show you all the skeletons in my closet. It’s not just about understanding your things – it’s about understanding you are not alone. When you realise you are not alone, and your psychoneurosis is not an illness, you can embrace your difference as beautiful.

You can also embrace your developmental potential, and know that no matter where you started in life, your OE or giftedness are beautiful things to be born with.

Being born in a duck yard does not matter, if only you are hatched from a swan’s egg.

He is also able to start letting go of his past. Not only can he let go of it, but he can appreciate what his misfortune and darkness have given him in terms of growth. He can see that he would not appreciate his new understanding and identity as much, if he had not gone through his own processes and struggle. It’s just like appreciating the impact a disintegration has had on you in the past, and how it has contributed to shaping your authenticity.

He felt quite glad that he had come through so much trouble and misfortune, for now he had a fuller understanding of his own good fortune, and of beauty when he met with it. 

More than that, he can finally embrace what it means to be different. As an adult, what made him the subject of bullying and ridicule as a child, was now a strength, and he started to understand just how special and unique he was. 

He thought about how he had been persecuted and scorned, and now he heard them all call him the most beautiful of all beautiful birds.

The best part of this story? He had found his ‘happily ever after’. His new understanding, sense of self, and identity gave him a happiness beyond compare. Beyond anything he could have dreamed of.

“I never dreamed there could be so much happiness, when I was the ugly duckling.”