Do you find talking to people a painful experience?

Do you feel misunderstood? Ever been accused of being argumentative? Do you struggle with an urge to correct people? Find yourself accidentally offending people when you’re just being curious about them? And does all this make you feel defeated when trying to connect with other humans? 

I’m a member of a Facebook group for gifted adults. One issue which seems to come up regularly in discussion is communication. It may seem strange that gifted individuals have difficulty communicating with others. But sometimes communicating can be a little bit of a struggle when you feel and process the world differently, particularly if you throw overexcitability or neurodivergence into the mix. To be fair, communicating between any two humans has pitfalls, but this seems to be amplified when one person’s brain learns and operates differently. 

You may be thinking “Why should I adjust the way the way I communicate? Can’t other people just learn to understand me?”

In a practical sense, it’s much easier for a person to adjust their message as a speaker, than their interpretation of a message as a listener. From an emotional and mental perspective, Dabrowski might say it’s good empathy to put yourself in the shoes of another and think about what they need and how they feel. Communication specialists call it “taking your audience into consideration”. Either way, if you shift your focus from your own needs in a conversation to the needs of another, not only does it train you to be more empathetic, it gives the old subject-object thinking a healthy workout too, and helps you remember that the goal of communicating is to connect.

The only problem is this mental workout can become super-hectic when conversations are difficult. The more emotionally loaded a conversation gets, the harder it becomes.

That’s the reason I wanted to share this selection of tricks with you. I know how much pain and anxiety having hard conversations, arguments, and fights can cause – and if I can, I’d like to help some of you out there avoid pain. During the course of my career, and personal relationships (both healthy and unhealthy) I’ve had hundreds of emotionally hectic conversations, but I’ve also learned many useful ways to deal with those situations. Hopefully you’ll find some of these snippets as useful as I have.

You’re agreeing, but they think you’re arguing

You’re agreeing with someone, but think you’re argumentative! Why does this happen? You were just sharing your thoughts and stories, and thought everything was going well… Sometimes this results in getting into a fight over nothing, and sometimes it results in people thinking that being disagreeable, or ‘always needing to be right’ is just part of your personality.

Sound familiar? I think there’s two main causes for this flavour of misunderstanding. 

Firstly, the other person takes your expansion on what they just said as a form of correction. You’re probably just trying to dig into your wealth of information to dive deeper on a subject. But they think you’re judging their explanation as poor or insufficient, and now you’re schooling them. You know the type of thing I mean –  “Well, actually…”. That. They think you’re doing that shit.

The second scenario might be that people think you’re playing ‘Story Olympics’. In other words, trying to one-up them with your own experiences. Again, that’s probably not the case. Maybe you go into a lot of detail, use big words, or put forth big ideas? Maybe you share deeper and darker secrets? Maybe you’re just a fabulous storyteller? Whatever the case, they mistake your enthusiasm and desire to connect as you being a competitive dick.

What do you do? Make it absolutely crystal clear you’re agreeing with them and supporting them. And I have a formula for that…

The Clear Agreement Formula: (Emphatic agreement) + (Follow you) + (Intent and ask) = Your opening sentence.

Here’s how it works.

Start with a statement openly declaring emphatic agreement – the more absolute the better. Bonus points if you can repeat back a point they just made to show you are really listening to them. Like “I totally agree with what you said about X…” or “You’re absolutely right about Y…” or “Oh, one hundred percent!”

Second, give a statement which lets them know you’re following their train of thought, and weren’t just waiting to talk or trying to outshine them. Like “You’re making me think of…” or “You just gave me an idea…”

Last, make an intent statement so they know where you’re going, preferably with an ask from them (e.g. asking them to confirm something, or provide an opinion afterwards). Like “And I just want to clarify what you said, so tell me if I got this right” or “And I think this relates to the point you’re making about…” or “So tell me if you think this analogy / story is relevant” or “And I read something about that you might find interesting”

Example in full – “Oh, I totally agree with your point about boobs being awesome, and you just reminded me of something I read in Playboy, which I’d love your opinion on…”

You need to disagree or resolve a complaint tactfully

This is a situation that often comes up in the workplace. Someone (who you want to stay on good terms with) brings up an idea or point which is just wrong, or is complaining about something. You can’t let it slide, but you also don’t want to rock the boat or upset anyone. Particularly if that person is already upset. The aim of the game here is to smooth things over with facts and courses of action, without making the other person feel bad or invalidating their feels.

Again, I’ve got a formula for you, and this one has served me well with many customer complaints…

The Tactful Disagreement formula: (Acknowledge) + (validation) + (AND) + (intent) = Your opening sentence

Acknowledge what the person has just said with “I understand your concerns” or “I see your problem”.

Then, validate their feelings. Remember that feelings about a situation are perfectly normal. Say something like “and I understand your frustration / feelings / anxiety” or “I see why this makes you upset”.

Next, say ‘AND’ or ’SO’.  Do not use a negative like ‘but’ or ‘however’, because that will just cancel out your acknowledgement and validation. 

Lastly, state your intent. What are you going to do to fix this? Say “I’d like a chance to explain…” or “I want to put your mind at ease…” or “Let’s work to fix this by…”

Example in full – “I understand your concern about the number of boob references I make, and I can see it makes you feel a little awkward, so I’d like to put your mind at ease by telling you it’s perfectly normal to discuss them, and you don’t need to feel ashamed about it.”

When you need to diffuse or de-escalate a fight

You’re having a fight with a loved one – a family member, friend or partner. But you don’t want to fight. In fact, it’d be great if you could de-escalate this situation and have a productive conversation.

Diffusing a fight when emotions are running high is not an easy task, and depending on what the fight is about (and who you’re fighting with) it can require different, and sometimes multiple, tactics. So I’m just going to dump down a list of things that have worked for me, and maybe one of them might help you in the future.

• Use the most gentle language you can, and a calm tone. How you speak matters. Even if the person is blue in the face yelling, shouting back will never settle things down. Raising your voice will not make them listen. Often people will mirror you, so the calmer and sweeter you are, you the more likely it is they will settle down enough to return to rational conversation. Sometimes they see you being calm and realise they’re acting like a dickhead. If you think a calm tone doesn’t work, I spent many years in call centres, and I can tell you now it’s the only thing that works. It’s not 100%, and sometimes the person is in a total rage and won’t stop, but no one has ever settled down an angry customer by shouting back. This leads me to my next point…
• You can ask someone to reel it in, if you stay calm – but when you are calm, you can make these requests. I always use ‘please’. Ask them to “please lower your voice” or “please do not call me names” or “please understand that it’s really not acceptable to yell at me like this”. When you make these requests, not only does the other person check themselves, but it gives you an incredible sense of your own boundaries and agency. 
• Speak from your feelings, and not their actions. Instead of “I can’t believe you did xxx! It’s so selfish!” Try “when xxx happened, I felt so unimportant and unloved”. It takes away the blame, and it’s hard for another person to argue against how you feel. In the example above, saying someone is selfish will probably get the defensive response “I am not selfish!”. Not many people are likely to reply to the second sentence with “You do not feel unimportant!”. They might say you are important, to which you can simply follow up with “Yes but I did not feel that way in that moment”. Again, talk about the moment, and not their actions – so avoid “You make me feel…” and stick with “I felt”.
• If the fight seems to be taking a huge tangent, or is over something small that would not normally upset the person, it may be that there’s something else upsetting them, and your current fight is simply an outlet for that. For example, your spouse might yell at you for not unpacking the dishwasher. It’s probably not the dishwasher that’s bothering them, but they may see it as a small piece of a bigger issue (like you don’t listen to them, if they asked you to do it several times and you didn’t), or they may be upset about something else entirely (like money or work stress). If it seems like there’s something else at play – ASK THEM! Don’t speculate! ASK! “Honey, we don’t normally fight about the dishwasher. Is there something else that’s bothering you? Would you like to talk about it?”. You get bonus points here for being empathetic and attentive to their needs.

When you give friendly advice, but they think you’re lecturing

For a gifted person, sharing your formidable intellect can be a double-edged sword. All that wisdom to share with humanity, coupled with the ever-present threat of being labelled a smug know-it-all.

Here’s two pieces of advice I’m going to give you about… giving advice…

The first is pretty straightforward. Share a perspective or experience, rather than an instruction. Instead of “You should…” or “Why don’t you…” Try “If it were me, I would…” or “When X happened, this is how I reacted…”. Tell them what you would do, or have done, not what they should do. Simple.

The second is about the nature of advice itself. Because advice is like an orange. Yeah, citrus fruit. Let me explain…

If someone hands me an orange, I can choose to eat the whole thing as it is. I can choose to eat a few segments. Or I can decide I don’t like oranges and throw the whole thing out. Sometimes I can decide I like the concept of the orange, but change it to suit me (e.g. squeezing it into juice or making marmalade). The point is, it’s not up to the person who gave me the orange what happens to it – it’s up to me.

It’s the same with advice – take it whole, take parts of it, leave it, modify it. Do what you want with it. It’s your orange now. How does this help when giving advice? Start off by saying you’re about to give them an orange, but it’s totally up to them what to do with it. “I would like to give you some advice about your situation, but I want you to know you don’t have to follow it. It’s just something to think about. You make the best decision for yourself.”

Hell, I do that all the time with this blog. I never say things like “You should totally try this!”. It’s always something along the lines of “Here’s my experience. You do what you want with it.”

You’re curious about the details of someone’s personal life

Are you just one of those perpetually curious people? Do you find yourself itching to get to know people better? And do you want to quickly skip past the regular small talk and dive straight into the deep stuff? Does this curiosity end up getting you the labels of ‘rude’ or ‘nosey’?

It’s OK to be curious, but the more personal the information, the more likely you are to hit a sensitive point or trigger something. Even seemingly innocuous questions can trigger trauma in others, so when we ask questions about people’s lives we must use caution. There’s a reason work, hobbies, movies and music, are regular small talk topics – generally you’re in Trigger Free waters, and it’s smooth sailing.

Even asking about someone’s spouse, or whether or not someone has kids, can trigger upsetting emotions for someone or just seem too personal and prying. But that’s not to say you can never get to know someone beyond the surface. Who you ask, and the manner of asking, are both terribly important here.

I find asking one person about another is (or is perceived as) very gossipy, and if I want to find out information from someone, I tend to go to straight to the source. Asking person X about person Y’s private life is never a good idea.

When I do ask a personal questions, I try and do so with as much empathy as I can, and try to remember to stop and ask myself – 

• Is this a topic they are likely to want to talk about freely? 
• Will they feel embarrassed? 
• How well do I know them? Will they find my question intrusive considering our relationship? 
• Why do I need to know details about this person’s life, and do I have a good reason to ask?
• Am I putting my curiosity over their need for privacy / dignity?

If I do decide to ask, I explain that I’m trying to understand more about them, and always preface with the fact that answering is optional. “You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t feel comfortable”. I also use same concept of “answering is optional” for myself. If someone asks me something I don’t want to answer, I decline, rather than lie, or reveal something I don’t want to. 

If someone seems shy about asking me things (“I want to ask you something, but I don’t want you to get offended…”) I can give them an open invitation, with the same caveat, and say “You can ask me anything you like, I just won’t answer if I don’t feel comfortable. How does that sound?”

You can’t help but correct people

Now this can be a challenge for gifted people! Overexcitable people! You hear that grammatical or factual error, and you just want to correct it! It itches you worse than a scratchy tag in a pair of underwear! How long can you continue to hear the word ‘nuclear’ mispronounced before you go nuclear yourself? How long can you sit there and listen to someone cock up Shakespeare, before you shout “It’s alas poor Yorick, I knew him HORATIO!”?

Longer than you think, but it depends on what your aim is. Is it to genuinely listen to the person and take in their context, despite errors? Or are you simply on police patrol, on the look out for mistakes, and ignoring the main message? Are you being a friend, or a self-appointed teacher (or worse, parenting other adults)? Are you aiming to connect or correct?

The key questions here are – what is the scale of the error, and who is the wanker?

Look, if some hateful asshat is spreading bigotry, clamp down on that shit immediately. Correct the living hell out of them. Likewise, if you’ve got some idiot trying to tell a room of impressionable school children that the earth is flat, call them out without regret. They are big fat errors, and the other person is definitely the wanker in these situations.

But if someone’s just made a minor mispronunciation, and you pull them up on it, think about what message you’re sending about you. 

I’ve learnt not to correct people unless absolutely necessary, because I understand it tells them I’m too busy judging them on minor details, and not actually listening to what they’re trying to tell me. If I’m not listening properly, and ignoring their context when I know what they mean, I’m the wanker.

Correction on a small detail might not only come off as petty, but might also seem dismissive of their feelings and experiences. If someone is pouring their heart out, correcting them implies their feelings are less important than your own itch. Right at a time when they probably need support. Do this, and you are most certainly the wanker.

You want to compliment someone who is not great at receiving them

I thought I’d give you something nice for the last orange, I mean, piece of advice.

Taking a compliment is not as easy as it sounds. I’m one of those awful people who just cannot take a compliment with good grace. Especially about my appearance. If someone says “You look nice” my immediate gut response is “No, I don’t”. Yes, I am fully aware that it’s due my insecurities and issues, thank you very much. But I’m also aware that my compliment denial hurts the person trying to say something nice to me.

I’ve tried my hardest to take the approach Garth from Wayne’s World has with his friend Terry (who tells everybody that he loves them). I take a deep breath and think to myself “Just say thank you to him, man!”

But on the other side of that coin, how can you compliment or reassure someone of their strengths when they’re feeling low? How can you make your words really hit home? Importantly, how can you do it in a way they cannot deny? My only thought on this is that compliments should come from your heart, and be about how that person makes you feel, not just be about them. 

Counterintuitive? Maybe. But as a living example, I can honestly say it’s habitually effortless to shrug off nice things people say about me. It’s not as easy to shrug off someone’s feelings about me.

Rather than “You can do this – you’re strong!” try “Your strength always makes me feel so secure.” Instead of “I love you because <feature>” try “I love you. You make me feel happier than I can express in words”. Awww!

Final thought

Changing the way you communicate with others may seem frustrating and time consuming, and yeah it takes some practice, but I see it as a small investment in the quality of the overall conversation. Making early adjustments can save “rework” later in patching over misunderstandings, and it helps win over the listener. More to the point, if you can avoid a difficult, painful, angry or awkward moment, so much the better.

In my experience, it’s well worth the time – not just for avoiding pain for you or the other person, but for more fulfilling and happier relationships! And isn’t that the point? Meaningful relationships? To really connect?