The theory of positive disintegration (TPD) describes how personality develops. At the centre of it is human values, and how they move and change. We rarely give conscious thought to our values, but they are important to understand and explore – particularly if we want to understand how disintegration really works.
What are values?
Values are our principles, or standards of behaviour, driven by what we see as important in life
The things which are important to us motivate us, and give us a reason to get out of bed each day. Our values give us meaning and direction. Values show us “what good looks like”, and fuel our ideas on what success means. They also guide our actions and decision making.
Our values can come in many forms and categories – morals, relationship values, workplace ethics, societal values, and even political ideologies. Everything we believe to be ‘the right thing’ is based on a value. We make value based judgments every day – even small actions like purchases, habits, and diet can be driven by much bigger values (e.g. being a vegan, boycotting products, being nice to the neighbours).
Because values are so pervasive through all parts of our life, they shape who we are, giving us a sense of identity. Things like being a “kind person” add to our sense of self. Our religious choices, political beliefs, and chosen career, all have at least some basis in our values, and these labels and choices shape our identity.
Values affect our sense of self esteem, self worth, and our mental health. When we stick to our values we feel good. But if we don’t act in alignment with them, we can feel bad about ourselves, and when we’re unsure about our values, we get anxious.
Values make up a huge part of who we are.
Values and Socialisation
Socialisation is what the world teaches us – about values, and what is right and wrong (according to them).
We obey the rules set out before us, being good citizens, and some people rarely question what it is we are being asked to do. We’re told what is right and wrong, good and bad, in many aspects of our life – our morals, how we should look, what success looks like, how we should behave, and even how we should fit expectations of gender and sexuality, are all taught to us as we grow up.
Socialisation comes from many sources – parents, teachers, religion, government and even our peers. It is the sum total of all the initial values which have been handed to us. Is it a bad thing? Is it evil that people guide is into becoming good citizens? No! Most of us experience socialisation as children. Kids are reliant on other people to teach them how to stay alive and out of trouble. That’s a fact of life.
When you question what is important to you, who you are, or your whether your behaviour was ‘right’, what you’re really questioning is your values.
When large portions of our world come into question, our value structures start to come loose, and our whole sense of self can become confused. Because our identities are so closely linked to our values, and they are such a big part of our lives, this loosening of our world view, or sense of self, can quickly become very painful and frightening.
The question starts morphing from “what is important?” into “who am I?” and that’s when things can start to become really hectic.
Disintegration and values
That questioning can cause a “disintegration” – where all your values and sense of self come loose and fall apart. But you can’t rebuild anything without first pulling apart and examining the old stuff. Like Lego – gotta pull bricks apart to sort and rebuild! And that questioning and reflecting it’s really uncomfortable. But when you’re moving forward with growth, it’s ‘positive’ moment towards your authentic self. But the falling apart, and having to try and sort out your own values is painful.
TPD also describes a lot of emotions which are like the ‘spurs’ or the ‘carrots and sticks’ we have internally which tell us whether or not we are actually acting in alignment with who we really are inside. So this is the stuff that helps us figure out what is “more like us” (authentic) and what is “less like us” (stuff we’re doing which isn’t authentic, but maybe we were taught, or socialised to believe at one point).
I’m talking about emotions like guilt and shame, and dissatisfaction in yourself, which tell you that your behaviour isn’t lined up with what you believe is right (i.e. what you really value). Sticks are just as helpful in your growth as carrots, so we shouldn’t demonise the sticks. They help us figure out what we really value.
Values and relationships
An important thing to remember about values, and how we live by them, is that this doesn’t all happen in a bubble. How you act, what you say, and what is important to you, will involve other people. For many of us, meaningful relationships, and love, are values in themselves.
Our behaviours impact other people around us, and much of what we think about in terms of ‘right and wrong’ centres around our interpersonal interactions. Being honest, caring for our environment, believing in equality, and prioritising relationships and family, all involve other people – whether it’s just those closest to us, or the world at large. The desire to be authentic and express ourselves, takes place within the context of relationships.
How we develop as a person, who we grow to be, what we believe to be important in life – none of it will happen solely in your own head. Values are all about relationships.
Values and authenticity
The aim of TPD is to discover your authenticity, and then truly live it. Figure out what your real values are. Examine your own behaviours. Let those big emotions guide you in those conclusions. Work on yourself (and your behaviour realignment) through self-reflection and self-therapy, so at the end of the day, you have your own set of self-determined values, and you’re walking your talk according to them.
In short, it’s a continual process of working out what is “more like us” and trying to act in alignment with that, and getting rid of “what is less like us” so we can be at peace with how we’re behaving. We fall apart, we sort out who we are, and we rebuild something new.
You know this
BUT – this is not new to you!!
Ask yourself how many fictional stories you have seen where –
- the protagonist falls apart (suffers a cruel defeat, and has some sort of crisis of faith, or starts questioning who they are and the way the world works),
- then goes through an ordeal of really uncomfortable emotions while they figure out who they are supposed to be (sometimes a process of purification or enlightenment, or a self-discovery – often they have to find the courage to ‘stand up for what they believe is right’, and in doing so, they have to figure out what is really right in the first place – what’s worth fighting for?)
- only to reemerge as a true hero with a resolved sense of purpose, and determined to do something about it… (walking their talk – that whole rebirth and rise like a phoenix from the ashes thingy).
Like a storybook hero – if you have experienced discomfort, questioning of who you are, or uncomfortable emotions around your behaviour, you may have already gone through a value restructure without knowing that’s what it was. Values are so ingrained in our sense of self we rarely give them conscious thought, so it’s likely you may have experienced this discomfort, or even a re-shaping, without directly associating it with your values.